My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
You Might Also Like
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river