I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”
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Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.