Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don鈥檛 have to physically hold it
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Can鈥檛 wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute 鈥榚m so BAD.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
4th Wiseman: I鈥檒l just get him a gift card.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh鈥e too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Would you wear it?
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don鈥檛 stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Hey I noticed you鈥檙e completely uninterested in me and couldn鈥檛 care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.