Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@mommajessiec

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

@Mike_Bianchi

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

@CliffDuffy

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

@AngryRaccoon2

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

@wildethingy

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

@dumbbeezie

Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend