@wildethingy

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

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@jellybnbonanza

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

@dmc1138

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

@dave_cactus

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

@thestlouisan

ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice

BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

@ThisOneSayz

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.