TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
My dream job? That’s easy:
Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.
That’s Old School Twitter.
ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.