Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.


A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”


[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.


Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*


[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.


Tapeworms. A nice way to lose weight without exercising, and also have a friend