@jellybnbonanza
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
@wildethingy
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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@jellybnbonanza
@dmc1138
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
@saraschaefer1
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
@dave_cactus
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
@Shock_Monster
My dream job? That’s easy:
Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.
That’s Old School Twitter.
@thestlouisan
ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
@weinerdog4life
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
@DrakeGatsby
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
@ThisOneSayz
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.