WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…