wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom