Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.