WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone