@dafloydsta

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

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@TheBeerGuy_

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@Laser_Cat

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

@Shenanigans_luv

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

@ComedyAndTruth

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.

Me: Is that cake?

@Book_Krazy

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

@AndyAsAdjective

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

@weenbeans

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.