Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?
“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.