Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.