@dafloydsta

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

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@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@Reverend_Scott

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

@TheCatWhisprer

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

@jonnysun

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

@LuvPug

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

@iamspacegirl

MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*

@BoogTweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

@GymVsTheVolcano

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.