Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.




Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.


Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink


The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.


(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”


My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana


life insurance is cool because for a small monthly fee you can be worth more dead than alive. and your family knows it.


No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.


Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.


Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me