@kimtopher22
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
@NewDadNotes
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
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@kimtopher22
@vodkanopants
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
@RodLacroix
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
@liamstack
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
@mojo_bones_
My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana
@CruisinSoozan
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
@dadthatwrites
life insurance is cool because for a small monthly fee you can be worth more dead than alive. and your family knows it.
@Darlainky
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
@SCbchbum
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
@AimeeHelene1
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me