@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

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@kimtopher22

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

@vodkanopants

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

@RodLacroix

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

@dadthatwrites

life insurance is cool because for a small monthly fee you can be worth more dead than alive. and your family knows it.

@Darlainky

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

@SCbchbum

Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.

@AimeeHelene1

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me