Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.