wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store