Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]