[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you