@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

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@ThisOneSayz

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

@Elizasoul80

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

@wtfhuman

Is it 5 seconds from when it hits the floor or when I see it?
I just noticed a skittle under my desk. I don’t remember eating skittles.

@ItsAllBollocks

Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye

@bornmiserable

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

@ArfMeasures

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@Mom_Overboard

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

@Mom_Overboard

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.