Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”