Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?
Wrong answers only
OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]