Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
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One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.