Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

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Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit


I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.


You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again


Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.


“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down


For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!


CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?



What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]