@Playing_Dad

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

You Might Also Like

@usermcuserface

Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit

@tastefactory

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

@Mr_Kapowski

You tell one kid there’s candy inside an electrical outlet that can only be retrieved with a fork and you’re never asked to babysit again

@HousewifeOfHell

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

@iwearaonesie

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@icrushedmyhalo

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

@Tierno158

CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?

@RxitWounds

OPEN UP THIS IS THE COPS

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station writing on a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]