*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?