@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

@FU_TangClan

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

@House_Feminist

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

@iGreenMonk

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.