Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small


The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT


remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you


My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.


I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.


I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.


To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.


“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”


Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.