Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.