wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
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I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.