Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children