WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
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Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
*gets down on one knee*
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
From my Mom
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.