Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
hey, alexa
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.