WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess
king toadstool: what should we do?
toad: we need to call the plumbers
king toadstool: the plumbers?
toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes
Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.
Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
washing your hands is essential
So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?