WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them