@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

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@lincnotfound

toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess

king toadstool: what should we do?

toad: we need to call the plumbers

king toadstool: the plumbers?

toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes

@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

@daemonic3

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

@Just_Lee_

It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.

@blahdevivre

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?