Due to unfortunate circumstances, I am currently sober.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
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“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”
“sorry i couldn-”
I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.