@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

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@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@raydevito

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

@SortaBad

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

@sixfootcandy

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

@JPLFR80

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

@pineapplepleas

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.