@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

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@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@bartandsoul

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

@HeyZeus666

I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.

@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.