Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

You Might Also Like


I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.


Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care


The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback


Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.


Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!


Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time


Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.


Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.


Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?