@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

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@RevReee

I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.

@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

@nickwiger

The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback

@bearcub577

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

@Smooheed

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

@GianDoh

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

@CleoZevach3000

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?