wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
somebody come look at this
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Hot Hot Hot
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My wedding will be open casket.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
With this onion ring, I thee fed
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.