Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
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Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious