WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
cat vs inanimate object
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*Seductively hides in the woods
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”