On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?