wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter

me: cool

wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?

me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money

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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.


I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.


The best thing about being over 25 is that no one can find embarrassing Youtube videos of you as a kid.


I’ve used my wife’s conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I’m a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.


It only took four men to wallpaper my house, but I had to slice them really thin.


my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands


DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt


I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.