Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter
wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?
me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money
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ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”
*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Pregnant – Beyonce
Pregnant with twins – Beytwice
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?