wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter

me: cool

wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?

me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money

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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.


ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?


[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign


“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*


Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.


Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.


Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow


Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?