wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Can. I. Help. You.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Body by sandwich.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see