KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
What if all the cashiers are married?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?