Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.

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Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*


Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”


An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.


Me: has anyone else worn this?

Interviewer: um, no

Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job


a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath


i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks


I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.


There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.


God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.