@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.
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@EJGomez: [holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE
@envydatropic: Squirrels run around looking for food because they don't have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
@AmishPornStar1: I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.