@DouchyDocLove

Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.

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@LaceyNycole

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

@Cheeseboy22

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

@Bry_Mac

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

@randypaint

Me: has anyone else worn this?

Interviewer: um, no

Me: that’s because no one else is willing to go [wings pop out on my buzz lightyear costume] to infinity and beyond for this job

@ch000ch

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@JasonLastname

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

@rajaet

There’s only one kind of people in this world 1. who are good at maths 2. who aren’t 3. whose dog can come up with a better tweet than this.

@TheMichaelRock

God: One last thing before I let you in. Let’s look at your Google search history.

Me: I’ll show myself out.