@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.
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@TheAlexP: [first day of astronomy class] So, does everyone get to be an astronaut, or do we draw straws?
@sixfootcandy: My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I'm the only one not invited. Weird.
@thatUPSdude: Turns out police dislike it when you slip out of your handcuffs. Even if you do say "ABRACADABRA" when you do it.