WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
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For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
the short answer to this question
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does