@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

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@LeanneMacco

Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.

@geowizzacist

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

@cluedont

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

@platinum2000

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

@TheWinegasm

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

@bonehugsnirony

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza