Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
You Might Also Like
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
T: What about other people
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza