Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
some cats are just doing for fun!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]