Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m crying im so happy for them
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.