How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
You Might Also Like
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?