Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
mumsnet is amazing
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Go hard or stay average
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor