@GrantTanaka

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

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@ScratchPaper8

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

@junejuly12

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

@SleepingSuspect

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

@the_anastasia

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

@Marlebean

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

@Cheeseboy22

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

@HiddleDeeDee

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

@NewDadNotes

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

@iwearaonesie

wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
me:Good

@sirmunchie

My ex wife claims I have “commitment issues” like I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.