Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
My ex wife claims I have “commitment issues” like I didn’t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.