wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
You Might Also Like
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Bro what is this
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids