wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
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Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
when mom throws a party…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi