*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?