One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
cyclists
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Hot Hot Hot
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.