If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY:
1) Get a cat.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early