[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

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If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down


The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.



Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.


ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask


Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.


List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws


*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early