@david8hughes

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

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@GuyThe_Guy

Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”

@notalogin

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

@jjhartinger

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

@Peauxtassium

Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

@tracietom

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@aissalanis

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

@Lexi__Alexandra

“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.