Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands
“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.