Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
They’re called werewolves.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it