Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*


I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.


[speed date]
Her: I’m a cat person
Him: *chokes on drink* your dad impregnated a cat?


My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.


The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.


There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.


Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.