@iGreenMonk

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

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@Sal0630

*looks under bed*

*checks closet*

*shuts light, runs to bed*

*pulls covers over head*

*ice maker dumps ice*

*dies from cardiac arrest*

@RobDenBleyker

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

@dakarrier

[speed date]
Her: I’m a cat person
Him: *chokes on drink* your dad impregnated a cat?

@JeanHallow

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

@notalogin

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@Nawyourecrazy

Headed to a wedding and my guy friends told me to take pics of hot women for them.

*selfies*