my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]