How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m sure it’s fine.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.