WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
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Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?