@TuSoonShakur

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

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@mjm866

You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog

@Manda_like_wine

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

@omerwahaj

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@suzieQ0007

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

@TitaniumToplass

use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@WorstCassie

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

@JoeBerkowitz

I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.