You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I’d watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.