Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Wife: Liam’s hamster died. We need to replace him before he gets back from kindergarten
Me: *gestures at kid* well?!
Wife: i meant the hamster
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Guy: *reading my astronomy magazine over my shoulder on the train* What’s your favourite kind of space?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.