@Staggfilms

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

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@RegularFred

Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.

@Roweboat13G

A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

@PJTLynch

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler

@clichedout

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

@d_duhwit

Octopus 1:” Woah. There’s an arm just swimming by itself.”
Octopus 2:” that’s an eel you idiot.”

@jake_lach

Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do

He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot