WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum