*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n
me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*