WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

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*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*


Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.


Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago


My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.



*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*


my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now


Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.



*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time