I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”
The stickier the better.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny