Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”